A response to "Why I'm attracted to Non-LDS guys."
LDS men have heard and will continue to hear about how often they fall short in the realm of dating. I heard it at BYU in every ward I attended, I heard it in every singles ward I’ve attended in Des Moines and Austin, I continue to hear it among my singles group now, and I highly doubt that I’m done hearing about it. The complaints are the same in every state I’ve lived: “The guys just aren’t dating”, “I don’t need to put myself out there, it’s the guys’ priesthood responsibility to pursue”, “I’m not attracted to LDS guys”, “You just need to step it up,” etc. At the same time, I see many friends, both male and female, getting married (I attended one LDS temple wedding last week). So why with all the nagging, badgering, you’re-not-honoring-your-priesthood talk is there still a dating problem?
LDS men have heard and will continue to hear about how often they fall short in the realm of dating. I heard it at BYU in every ward I attended, I heard it in every singles ward I’ve attended in Des Moines and Austin, I continue to hear it among my singles group now, and I highly doubt that I’m done hearing about it. The complaints are the same in every state I’ve lived: “The guys just aren’t dating”, “I don’t need to put myself out there, it’s the guys’ priesthood responsibility to pursue”, “I’m not attracted to LDS guys”, “You just need to step it up,” etc. At the same time, I see many friends, both male and female, getting married (I attended one LDS temple wedding last week). So why with all the nagging, badgering, you’re-not-honoring-your-priesthood talk is there still a dating problem?
Admittedly, LDS social culture (not to be confused with LDS doctrine or teachings) often perpetuates unhealthy dating practices in both men and women. This culture pins a scarlet letter, “Menace to society” on any single man around 25 or older. This is unfortunate because there is no documented statement by Brigham Young, or anything remotely similar by any general authority, and church members perpetuate this idea by both repeating this quote and using negative reinforcement on single LDS males to encourage something that’s supposed to be rewarding. At the same time, women can’t understand why bitter, man-hating, poor-me-I’m-not-married-what’s-wrong-with-all-the-guys speech just isn’t motivating men to get out there and “step it up.”
Here it is ladies. Taken from Alisa Goodwin Snell’s 17 Secrets to the Male Psychology, here are just 6 of the 17 points which bitter women violate.
1. Men seek out relationships that make them feel trusted and respected. The number one need of men is to feel trusted and respected. If men are told that they’re not fulfilling their priesthood responsibility or somehow failing because they are not going on enough dates, they are not feeling trusted. Men stay away from people that don’t make them feel trusted. When a woman expresses trust in a man and openly believes in the goodness of men in general, she’s going to attract emotionally healthy men who are prepared to love her. If she talks about the failures of the men in the church or uses man-hating speech, she will attract emotionally unhealthy men who will want to either rescue her or manipulate her.
2. Men pursue women who are approachable and who appear to be available While it’s true that many men and women want what they can’t have, emotionally mature men seek out women who are approachable. Approachable means making eye contact, smiling, laughing, lightly touching the man’s elbow, and contributing to conversations without trying to take over the man’s role. Non-approachable body language includes folding arms, not smiling, and not making eye contact (a practice I see a lot at dances). I’ve seen LDS women who with a tinge of bitterness say that they won’t flirt, work on their appearance, or try to get a man’s attention, because “It’s the guys’ responsibility to ask me out.” These sisters are probably right, but they’re also repelling relationships they could have if they would invest a little.
3. Men are largely logical about their relationships and commitments; thus they do not commit easily to things they have not invested in over a period of time.
In much of LDS culture, going on even one date with a woman can draw a lot of attention from ward spectators, let alone going on two or more dates. If the man has not held hands or kissed the woman by the third date, ward spectators may comment on his alleged fear of commitment or wonder what’s wrong. No wonder LDS guys “form new social situations to see me in action so they can get to know me casually so that they can figure out if they want to date me.” Fortunately Elder Oaks and Elder Bednar have attempted to address this issue by explaining that dating does not mean an eternal commitment. Men can do a much better job at learning and practicing effective dating; however, it’s good for both men and women to understand that LDS culture can perpetuate unhealthy dating pressures and practices.
4. Men are repelled by nagging, criticism, and whining
Good ways to keep the guys away and to kill a relationship. You’re telling a man he is untrustworthy and incapable of playing his role, thus attacking his number one need in a relationship (which is to be trusted and respected). If there is a concern, guys are more responsive to statements such as, “Just so you know, I really like it when a guy does…” If he’s a guy you want to be with, he’ll respond. If he doesn’t respond, there will be another one that will. Because there is no clear dating manual, LDS women wishing to help men understand their needs through blogs or combined priesthood/relief society meetings would be much more effective at saying things like, “We love LDS men and their efforts on our behalf. Just so they know, we feel really (loved/respected/adored) when they (ask us out/respect our boundaries on Facebook/ask for our number).” Not all men will respond, but the emotionally mature ones will be anxious to know how to improve. They will also give pointers on what women can do to be more approachable.
5. Men are driven to succeed, face reasonable challenges, and conquer.
They like to pursue women knowing they have a good chance of success, but knowing they have to work at it. Acting indifferent or cold, playing hard to get, or being too easy are great ways to repel a guy. Having a busy, active life and letting him know that he is important enough that you will make time for him is a great way of attracting responsible LDS men. A great way to deflate the excitement of dating for men is to tell them to date, tell them to get phone numbers, or tell them they’re not doing enough. A great way for a woman to become irresistible is to express faith in and a like for men, act confident and feminine, draw attention to good behaviors in men, and let go and trust that men will play their part. If a man doesn’t play his part, another one will. Women often get bitter that their efforts are not paying off, which is unfortunate, because when a good guy does come around he’s repelled by the bitterness.
6. Men Like Femininity
We like confidence and a woman who asserts her needs. But we also like the tender, flirty, kind, soft, gentle, empathetic behaviors that women often display. We like it when a woman slowly plays with her hair or necklace, makes eye contact across the room at us, tilts her hips and neck, lightly touches our elbow while talking, uses animated facial expressions, raises the pitch in her voice when talking, expresses gratitude for the good we go, doesn’t demean herself when we compliment her, smiles and laughs even if the joke isn’t funny (within reason), and says that she would love to chat without telling us to call her. These tactics are highly effective and are not to be confused with sexual tactics. A lot of LDS women don’t feel they should need to use feminine power in order to get a guy. They’re right. But they’re also single.
There are a number of things women can do to find a relationship without having to be the one pursuing. But it does require some energy and investment.
